LET’S CONSIDER FORGIVENESS
There are small, social interactions in life that can mildly rub us the wrong way. A friend misspoke, a coworker accidently drank a coffee that was meant for us, or a relative embarrasses us at the dinner table. These can be managed quickly by our drawing their attention to their transgression in that moment, or we might just let it go because “things happen”. Life goes on either way and we forgive them. Then there are times when we are more upset by a more painful offense. A special item we lent has not been returned, a small loan goes unrepaid, or an important promise is not kept. These infractions have a tinge of being taken advantage of and of a betrayal of trust. They sting more. These situations usually take more of an emotional toll on us. We have to confront the person and that can be even more upsetting. Depending on how close we are to the person, we may reevaluate their trustworthiness. And, forgiving them takes more time and emotional work, even with an apology.
When it comes to our level of forgiveness for someone, we can be balancing a myriad of emotions and impressions of our own that may not even relate to that person. How we have been treated in the past by others colors how we see the world today. We can feel triggered by an old, emotionally charged memory and our reactions can be overblown for the situation. Someone casually helping themselves to a stick of gum on your desk is not the same as someone stealing your ring in the past. But it might feel that way, so it’s possible to overreact from that old emotional wound when your ring was stolen. So, you lose it and tear into that gum thief. And this is where the work of self-forgiveness comes in. When we are on the other side of the situation, the transgressor who drank the coffee would be us. As the one who forgot to return that special item or the guy who lost it over the gum, we have some work to do. First, we may be embarrassed and feeling pretty ashamed of ourselves. This is never comfortable, believe me, I know. But the best way to cope with this is to take responsibility for your actions and apologize asap. Hopefully, you are forgiven, and you make sure not to repeat the performance. Then, the work of forgiving yourself is next. Self-forgiveness at its best is recognizing that we are all human and we are going to screw up, let people down, forget things, etc. Even though we are imperfect, we need to still feel worthy of self-love and self-forgiveness. If we make a habit of abusing or neglecting people, then we need to look deeper at ourselves. Going for therapy to uncover what needs healing in ourselves would be invaluable, even life changing. Doing the heavy lifting in therapy with a skilled therapist is where we can heal ourselves. It is also where we can grow in self-compassion and self-forgiveness as a result. We can regain our self-worth and self-love that may have been missing for a very long time.
Why should we forgive? Simply stated, we let go of the energy of the anger and resentment living inside of us that makes us feel sick and unhappy. When we are angry and resentful, we are holding a grudge against the person who harmed us. Our mind endlessly plays the same, stressed-out recording about that person, harming our peace of mind. Our emotions rev up our adrenal response and we are living in a state of fight or flight vigilance. Our blood pressure can run sky high. Making us feel ill from the constant strain on our cardiovascular system. We can also develop mental health issues like anxiety and depression. None of this is worth holding that grudge for the sake of our egos. And, usually, it is all about our egos and self-worth that we hold a grudge. We feel like we would be somehow letting ourselves down if we forgive that so-and-so for what they did. But you’re the one who is suffering from all the physical, emotional, and mental reactions, right? Is it worth your health and wellbeing to hold a grudge? And, let me be clear, forgiveness does not mean letting someone harm you again. You are in charge of how you allow people to treat you. You are not spiritually required to take abuse from someone. You do have choice in how to respond to any degree of bad behavior towards you. Forgiveness means letting go of the grudge you are carrying because it can harm you. That’s why it is such a powerful choice to make. It empowers you.
In the best cases, forgiveness means being willing to love and trust another person again, even though they are human and screw up. It’s also an understanding that you, yes, you, are human and imperfect and screw up from time to time as well. We all do. So, does that make us all unworthy of love, compassion, or kindness? Not from where this imperfect author sits and, I am pretty sure, not from where you sit either!
EVOLVE AROMATHERAPY SPIRITUAL INHALER: FORGIVENESS
Namaste,
Jean 🌱