Why kindness Matters

 From living through many interactions and struggles in relationships with family members and friends, I have concluded that the most important way we can interact with one another is with kindness. In fact, for me it is my bottom line for how I want to treat people and be treated by people, most especially with those who matter most to me. In today’s blog, we’ll look at kindness, what it is, what it grows out of, and its potential for healing us all in large and small ways.

 So, what is kindness? Kindness is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary online as ” the quality of being generous, helpful, and caring about other people, or an act showing this quality.” If you go to Shambala.org, you’ll find it defined as loving kindness from the Buddhist perspective which is “Loving kindness (Sanskrit maitrī, Pali mettā) is the genuine, boundless, wholehearted wish for the happiness and welfare of oneself and all beings.” In Judaism, it is referred to as Chesed –“(Hebrew: חֶסֶד, also Romanized: Ḥeseḏ) is a Hebrew word that means 'kindness or love between people', specifically of the devotional piety of people towards God as well as of love or mercy of God towards humanity.” The Torah teaches its people to emulate God by visiting the sick, meeting people’s needs, and to console mourners. “…the Talmud points to acts of kindness (chesed) as one of the intrinsic signs that someone is Jewish.” In Islam, the Prophet

Mohammed is quoted saying that “Kindness is a mark of faith, and whoever is not kind has no faith.” If you do a minimal bit of online research of each faith, you will many find quotations from their holy books that speak to the high spiritual value that kindness holds in each of them.

 The definition that I resonated with and liked the most was on this site: www.kindnessiseverything.org. Here is how they defined it: “Kindness is the sincere and voluntary use of one’s time, talent, and resources to better the lives of others, one’s own life, and the world through genuine acts of love, compassion, generosity, and service.” I like this quote for a couple of reasons. First, this quote includes kindness to oneself. It is of vital importance that we first learn to be sincerely kind to ourselves. This, I believe, is the seed from which all other acts of kindness grow. Not all of us learned this as children for a myriad of reasons and we need to find our way back to our hearts to love and be kind to ourselves. From my personal system of belief, this can be the lessons of lifetimes of diligent work and struggle to accomplish. If you are lucky enough to have already done your spiritual homework and have reached self-love, kindness is an outgrowth of the expression of that love that is radiating from your heart. And then kindness to others and to the rest of the world follows quite naturally. It becomes a “default” choice of how to be in the world and how to behave towards. Just imagine how you would feel being able to have a center of kindness that radiates out from within you, through your and out into the world. What if we all were this way? Sounds like heaven to me.  

 In what forms can kindness take within us? It can be found in our thoughts, emotions, speech, and behavior, both towards ourselves and towards others. When our self-worth is strong, supple, and healthy we have a naturally kind way of treating ourselves and it extends to self-nurturing ourselves, especially through the tough times. This inner wellbeing then radiates outward from our heats and colorsour interactions, conversations, thoughts, and feelings towards others. If we are generous, loving, and gracious to ourselves, it is only a matter if course that we will treat others similarly. If we are brittle, sad, harsh, and broken in how we perceive and treat ourselves, the same goes for how we will treat the people around us. Something to consider even if it is just for our own sakes. Every harsh thought we think about ourselves, and others, can be countered with thinking a kind and loving one. This is how the transformation begins one thought, one small change at time until it becomes a new, positive habit. And you, your circle of friends, and family will feel the change when your new habit reaches a tipping point into kindness for more than half the time. It’s a worthy goal. Are you interested in exploring this? Let’s look at a few ways to make these small changes until they become a beautiful habit.

So how do we learn to be kind to ourselves? The Buddhists have wonderful, guided meditations for loving kindness that I found here: https://shambhala.org/community/blog/loving-kindness-meditation-3-guided-meditations-and-scripts/ . They also have links to these guided meditations’ videos that you can listen to, not read, and allow yourself to close your eyes, relax your body and to go deep into your meditation practice. Meditation is a rich, personal way to feel into, understand and to practice kindness. Another way to practice kindness is to be patient with yourself especially with your mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and, if you think about it, the greatest majority of them are not fatal and can be repaired. What if you try practicing to retain your composure and to be patient and kind to yourself when you make one? When someone else makes a mistake, what if you take a deep breath and practice keeping things in perspective, below “Defcon 1” in your emotional reaction? Then, be as patient as you can be with them, talk it out calmly, and repair the situation in the moment, if possible, and forgive them. If it is an egregious mistake, it may be best if you remove yourself from the situation until you can find some peace of mind and are ready to engage with them and to forgive them. Sometimes silence, not saying anything destructive, can be an act of kindness in these moments. When we are upset, sometimes silence and walking away for a time is the best we can do to be kind to someone who as really hurt us. Taking a time out by walking away to gather our thoughts and deciding on a less volatile way and time to discuss a problem is an act of kindness to oneself and to the other person. Then by using one of the above kindness meditations can help you to feel through the emotions that are charging this issue and releasing them before you talk it out can truly help you to find a way to a more peaceful resolution. Going to the gym and working the accompanying adrenal stress out of your body or going for a realllllly long walk or run can help, too. With distance and a little sweat, we can gain perspective on a difficult situation and plan how we want to handle things.

So, kindness, where does it come from and why does it matter? According to the website www.kindnessiseverything.org, “Kindness is love. Kindness is a choice. Kindness is love in action.”

Even as I read this quote, I can feel my heart opening with love and peace. It is also empowering to know that it is a choice I can make and an action that I can take. I recommend that you simply sit and feel your way into these three sentences. How do they make you feel as you read them? Are you beginning to feel the difference in yourself just considering kindness? Also on this website, they state that “Kindness is a way love is expressed, a reason love multiplies, and an example of what is possible when love is prioritized.” I could not agree more with these sentiments. Love of oneself and of others is the source from which kindness springs. Kindness is love being expressed in our words, thoughts, emotions, and actions. It is how love takes form on our planet. It can be in how we plant a garden and care for its growth. It can be expressed through the work that we choose to do in this world. And it can be in small acts like allowing another car to go first at the stop sign or reaching down a can of beans in a grocery store for someone. These small actions can send the energy of kindness forward through that person and on to the next person and the next. Kindness can begin with you and me in each and every moment if we choose it.

Now, let’s take a moment and think about any kindnesses that we have received and how they have affected us in our own lives. While you remember them, how have these actions of others contributed to how you felt about that person and how you felt about yourself? Did you feel valued, respected? Did you feel the same back towards them? Maybe you felt relieved, grateful, and forgiven if you had made a mistake and they were kind and understanding instead of cruel? If they gave you the benefit of the doubt and believed you did not intend to harm them, wasn’t that an act of kindness? How can you pass it forward, since you have already learned what it felt like and how it was done? Kindness has been said “to be its own reward” and considering this saying a bit more deeply, isn’t it? And isn’t this so for both the person who is kind and for the person receiving the kindness? It builds bridges of love and connection, trust and understanding. And if we all could take a breath to find a way to be kind before we reacted, imagine how different this world could be. Just by choosing the simple act of your being kind, think how your world would change, starting from inside of yourself. It would be worth it, don’t you think? How do you think that kindness can play a more active role in your life? Can you imagine how it will make large and small differences in yourself and in your relationships that will add up over time? It makes me smile to think about it. How about you? 

I hope this blog has helped you to ignite the flame of loving kindness even brighter in your life. Even as I was typing this blog, it has me thinking of how to work on my own practice even more. It can make a world of difference for yourself and for everyone you touch with your kindness. It’s worth experimenting with and seeing what happens, don’t you think? And the good thing is, kindness is contagious, so pass it on!

Namaste,

Jean 🌱