Intimacy Part 2– A Further Exploration

 As I sit down to type this on my laptop, images of cellphones, computers, iPads, earbuds, and gaming handsets are passing through my mind. All of these devices have a part to play in making connections to one another, but from what I personally have experienced, more in ways of isolating us from each other. Just like the bookworm of yesteryear, we now have a cellphone and headsets to hide behind if we are shy or unskilled with people. Kids hide from their parents and peers with electronic devices rather than doing the daily work of learning how to connect with and to respond to another human being. And we adults do it, too. How many times have you been in an elevator or an office and chose to look at your cellphone instead of making eye contact with the next person coming in the door. It’s like an electronic security blanket we carry with us, as well as a silent message to the person that is coming in that your boundaries are up, and you don’t want to engage with them. Now, I’m not saying that this is totally a bad thing. Some people have really bad personal boundaries and need to be shut down from the get-go, and the cellphone headset trick works a charm with these really intrusive types. It’s just that these addictive devices eat up our time like eating an entire bag of potato chips, and we forget to interact with human beings because of the next Instagram or TikTok notification.

There is a certain etiquette, and even a lack thereof, that has developed around cellphone use all over the planet. And since we aren’t exactly learning in-person people skills by relating to an electronic device, we certainly are not benefitting from learning how to be intimate with another human being. Yes, we share our day-to-day stuff over a text message, but there is no physical, personal touch to it no matter how many emojis we attach to the text. In a way, a text message is safer because we don’t have to deal with any potential emotional fallout or time expenditure when sending a text message. It can actually be a step away from the person we are texting to because we don’t directly speak to that person. Don’t get me wrong, I believe there is a very useful place for text messages and cellphones, just not in creating deep, interpersonal intimacy. For this, we need to be vulnerable and be present with another person on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level. And we need to show up in each other’s lives on a fairly regular basis. (This leads into a discussion about what I recently read concerning the experiential level of intimacy, so I will add that to this part of this two-part blog as well.)

 So, what if we put the cellphones away, got off the gaming device, or closed the laptop lid, and looked the person we love in the eyes and actually had a conversation with them in person. Would this make you feel more or less connected to them? Would it make you feel closer to this person, more intimate, and maybe even more vulnerable? What if dinner time was a time when all the cellphones were turned off and put into a basket until after dinner? And the rules for dinnertime conversation were no judgements about each other and only good things were talked about around the table?  What if dinner was a time for connecting and appreciating each other and learning about each other in a happy, positive way? What if it was a time of celebrating each other’s successes, sharing our lives in person, and lifting each other up? How would this one small type of change make you feel? Would you have more opportunities to feel heard, loved, and understood? Would you feel mentally, emotionally, and spiritually well fed and sated? Being seen, heard, loved, trusted, and understood are deep needs in us all. When we can feed these needs, they resonate through us energetically and we feel more whole and touch with life, with those we love, and with ourselves.

You see, being intimate is not about the big, flashy things in life. It’s about the many tender and loving looks, touches, hugs, and conversations. And these small moments add up over the days, weeks, and months. They are the glue of friendships, relationships and marriages that hold us together and keep us connected to one another. Remember what I said in the first part of this two-part blog, that we can think of our relationships like gardens that need to be tended? Well, this is how you maintain the garden of close relationships over the long term. It’s not the big, showy stuff, however wonderful that can be. It’s the day-to-day stuff that sticks and reinforces our connections to people. Just like the daily watering, feeding, and weeding maintains a garden so it will feed us and nurture us with its beauty, so, too, is it with those we love most. Staying in the flow of life with those who we hold dearest is very important for any of us. If we isolate ourselves behind electronic devices, we are going to find it very hard to feel connected to anyone other than ourselves, if even that. And this can be a very, very lonely existence even for the most introverted of us.

 If you tend to be introverted, you extroverts are most likely already doing this, a good way to begin to form bonds of intimacy is something that is called experiential intimacy. The old advice about joining a group that shares a common interest is still really good advice. It’s where we can meet people that love what we love and share it with us. Even volunteering for a common goal is a good place to connect to new friends that can become old friends over time. Joining a sports club, a chess club, a dance studio, or dare I say it, a computer club, with like-minded people can potentially create enduring friendships. It’s where we can build good memories, and experience intimacy with each other by enjoying the same things together. After all, algorithms are much more fun when shared together in the same room, guys. ;)

 So, I hope that this blog about intimacy has given you some tools and a few ways to start thinking about how to connect intimately to another person and why.  It seems to me that intimacy is sharing our lives honestly and openly, all the good, bad, and indifferent, with those precious few that are our nearest and dearest and being accepted and loved by them. It certainly takes courage to be vulnerable enough to share your real, precious self with another, instead of trying to be what you think that they want you to be. Rejection hurts and is a wounding, but the chance for being seen and loved for who you really are is worth taking that risk, repeatedly if necessary. Just go out there and find people who “get” you. They’re there and all you have to do is make the effort to find them, and then, connect in person with them.

Wishing you many, many laughs with good friends!

Namaste,

Jean 🌱